Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
