I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I need moral support for this bender
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
