I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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