Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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