oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
