There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
