Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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