the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
