I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
