fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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