Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
A+ Viking dick
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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