If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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