The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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