I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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