dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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