what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
