Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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