Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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