Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
