what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize