My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
