ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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