Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Randomize
