She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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