end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
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