i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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