Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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