Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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