So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
