I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
