I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
