John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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