ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
