My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
