Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
