I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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