I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
