The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
