At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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