i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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