I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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