The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
