just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
