And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
