I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
