he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
