I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
