Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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