Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
