When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
