All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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