I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There r osticjed everywhere
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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