Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
