At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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