I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
