There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
