A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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